What is love?
“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUVK LOVE IS!” as she slammed the door in my face.
I stood there stunned… riddled with confusion and a broken heart with tears streaming down my face. Sure we had just gotten into an argument, but did I really not know what love was? What is happening? I had been doing my absolute best for months…
You see, this was the 3rd relationship in a row that ended because I was cheated on. And every time I made it my fault…
My first girlfriend-turned-fiance ended it without any explanation… I was on a business trip and she was extremely distant over text, then I came back to “here’s the ring” and wouldn’t even offer me any other words… she just walked back inside her house. That night I held a gun in my hands and contemplated ending things… because in hindsight I had made her my life, so without her, who am I?! Why was this all happening?
I piled on tons of shame and guilt… assuming full responsibility, thinking that I was the one causing this hurt in them… there must be something wrong with me…
Was my love too much? WAS I TOO MUCH?
However, IT was all too much for me to handle after a 3rd time…
And I asked myself a question that changed the trajectory of my life:
“What is it about me that is creating this pattern?”
That took me down a path of understanding masculine/feminine energy dynamics (shoutout Alison Armstrong), relationships, and human transformation.
I realized it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with me. I was a people-pleasing codependent nice guy who didn’t really have a backbone. It was all masked to me as being a hopeless romantic, but I could clearly see my part in things now… And I got to work on myself.
I took a vow of celibacy that ended up lasting 3 years, I didn’t want to cause anyone, or myself, any more pain.
I moved cities to start fresh. But what I wasn’t prepared for was my lack of preparation as I found myself homeless for 6 months. Going days sometimes without food. Trying to do life all on my own, I pushed away any help, and found myself drowning in my pain, overthinking everything, and alone…
I ended up getting out of that situation when i asked someone I knew for $20 and he looked me deas in the ace and said "get your shit together" ... something in me craced and a fire was lir. he was right. i picked up 4 jobs and worked ninteen hour days for 7 days a week for 2 months straight before losing my memory and having severe adrenal fatigue.
and in that time i did a lot of forgiving and a lot of rebuiling trust in myself, and opening my heart tot poeople again. And in my journey i was able to help a friend save his marriage (his words) AND I THOUGHT OH SHYT... im good at this. but could i really be a relationship cocach iin my early twenties without a relatioship> but God kept sending me people and its like every conversaation i had i was helping oeople thinka out love differently...
Tune in net week for part 3