I swore I wouldn't do this...

I swore I’d never be like my dad. I promised myself I’d be better than him. More present. More emotionally connected.

Then…

He passed after a decade long battle with leukemia. I stood in complete shock when I heard, as flashes of his laugh and smile filled my mind. I looked up and saw the two little boys who I had been like a father to for months … and I cracked.

Because Dad had been in and out of the hospital for some time, I got to share my heart with him. Forgive him for the times I wasn’t the best son. Let him know how proud to be his son I was. Thanking him for all he did - and didn’t do. Because if it wasn’t for him, and being the man he was (in all the ways), I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

I got to ask him all about his life. His love and relationships. His business journey. It was healing for him to share and reflect - I could tell. And it was inspiring for me to hear. At times I honestly wasn’t listening to the details, I was just glad to see him light up and excited - as I held back tears. He was proud of his accomplishments. And he told me he was proud of me. I’ll never forget that moment.

Through his example I learned perseverance. I got his witty sense of humor. His dance moves. His care and how he showed up for his multitude of responsibilities. His love of cars. I got to see and hear from people all over about what a joy it was to be in his presence and to be his friend or employee.

After all of this, I was grieving my dad while essentially being a dad, at the end of a connection and the beginning of a relationship, I couldn’t hold space for my clients. My life seemed to lose all sense of normalcy. I became a mess.

And looking back it was the initiation I needed. Because I was no longer vowing to be like my dad, or not like him. I decided to be free to be myself… and go down a path of truly understanding what that meant and looked like. Not a shadow of my dad. Not the opposite of him. But, fully me.

But the more I discovered myself, the more I was also running from my calling. And the more I ran, the more it chased me. By showing up in my own love life.

And that tea will be spilled next week ❤️